plateau or pruning

i feel like I've plateaued in my spiritual life and personal growth, they tend to go hand in hand.

what is going to bring transformation? seeking God no doubt, but will he reveal that key to transformation or does he have me in the middle of a long slow process that I can't see unfolding because I'm inside of it? for one of the first times in my life I feel inadequate. I suppose thats a start to transformation, total brokenness. this lent has been all about pruning so far. maybe that means change is on its way. I hope so. Come on God's Word, be true.

I don't feel like I'm living out my call any more. The things that used to get me excited and reignite me don't anymore. Where is God taking me? Is there sin in the way? Is it how I spend my time? Do I need to return to things of the past or press onto new practices in the future? These are all questions I am asking right now.

All I know is that I didn't feel this way a year ago when I got back from Europe. Or for that matter, Today, 6 years ago as Cisco and I began our drive to Orlando to attend GCM's support training to learn how to raise money to move out here. Today, 6 years later I completed my resume to start hunting for a job outside of ministry. Not quite the way I pictured this going.

I understand that God's divine hand is in this and that in time, hopefully soon, I'll get why he is taking me down this trail, and truly see that it is him and not just my own deficiencies or other human's choices that are determining this.

I truly want to be partnering with God in his new creative work he is doing in the world right now. It is exciting to see the way he is moving within neighborhoods, cities, states, and countries. I know I will play a key role in bringing Jesus' new creative efforts to the city, but where, when, how, and with who are all so up in the air.

patience, thats what I need - this reminds me of a little something, something Axel Rose penned.

...little patience, mm yeah, ooh yeah,
Need a little patience, yeah
Just a little patience, yeah
Some more pati... (ence, yeah)
I've been walking these streets at night
Just trying to get it right (Need some patience, yeah)
It's hard to see with so many around
You know I don't like being stuck in a crowd (Could use some patience, yeah)
And the streets don't change but maybe the name
I ain't got time for the game

initial musings

a few notes from lent thus far...

i woke up this morning after dreaming about sportscenter and analyzing the events which happened in the highlights. I clearly needed to fast from sports.

Hebrews 10 speaks of holding to the hope we profess....I want to talk hope with people more often, to dream about what God will do both in this age and the next.

I'm glad Pavi is at Heritage. I'm hoping he'll be a catalyst for some real change. His arrival is one of the things that makes me sad about leaving staff. I feel like I could learn a lot from him. I'll see what I can milk out of 3 months. that sounds a little selfish. I'm learning how selfish I am these days. that leads to today's devotional.

Warren's line, "real love is making your problem, my problem," is easy for me to think about when it comes to inner city ministry. However, it is not so easy when it comes to Hannah. I expect her to be like me and often invalidate any of her problems because I don't feel they are legitimate. I don't understand why she feels the way she does, so I leave her in the dust by demanding she change (feel differently about a situation). Boy am I a jerk.

God, help me to take the time to get behind Hannah's feelings and come to understand what drives her, and when I don't understand to gracefully allow her to navigate her way through situations uniquely.

dumb move

so i was playing the best poker of my life tonight then I pulled one of my stupid gambling moves where I threw all percentages out the window and took a chance. not the way to play when you want to win $200.00. I had played for over 2 hours, outlasted 10 people at that point, and was winning hands consistently, but i got bored and wanted to have fun with a hand which for me always equals losing. so, i basically gave my money away to Matt and he didn't even win - that would have made it easier, being his birthday and all. dang you Matt! One day I'll be pateint and play smart, then i won't kick myself all night. this is why i only play poker once every couple months.